Resolutions and what-not

"This is a brilliant time of year for self-improvement," I said.
I bridled at the implied criticism. "What?" I demanded. "Are you saying that I'm not good enough the way I already am?"
"No, of course not," I said soothingly. "But of course, there are some things you could do better."
"Like?" I said heatedly.
"Well, you could attempt to be tidier. You're a very messy person, you must admit."
"I'll admit no such thing!"
"How is it you describe the route you take to reach your bed at night? 'An intricate series of gymnastics', is it not?"
"I merely say that for the lols," I said with dignity. "I make a point of amusing people with my witty choice of words. It's called 'humour'. You might care to develop it sometime."
I ignored this jab. "There is also the habit you have of spending the majority of the day reading or sitting in front of the computer instead of doing other, more constructive things."
"Reading is a positive experience. And the computer is a necessary part of my coursework. I need it for things like CAD and photoshop."
"Neither of those programs you own, interestingly."
"Look, what is it you're trying to accomplish? Making me feel inferior? I must tell you, you are succeeding admirably."
"I want you to do well in life."
"Bahaha," I snorted elegantly.
"In addition to being tidier and spending less time in front of the computer, you might consider your fitness level," I continued.
"My what?"
"Exactly. What happened to your good intention to learn yoga and take up jogging?"
"Jogging is boring. And I can't even touch my toes, let alone begin to do yoga. The only thing I got out of yoga were colourful bruises from falling over constantly."
"And you need to get a job."
The little anger-control switch in my brain flicked off. "SHUT UP!" I roared. "DO YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?"
"And you keep saying you're going to write a book one day - when are you actually going to start?"
"I'm still figuring out the plot!"
"And don't forget you still need to learn how to drive."
"BE SILENT!"
"My point is - you're never going to accomplish any of your goals in life if you don't change your ways."
I felt defeated. "I know that."
"You're never going to pass your course."
"Stop it."
"You're never going to get a decent job."
"Go away."
"You're never going to be able to have your perfect garden and your perfect life. None of the things you really, truly want that will make your life worth living. Doomed instead to despair and misery, like everyone else."
"Because I'm a messy person and can't run very fast and can't drive and I'm taking my time trying to make my story work out properly and I don't have a job and instead spend my days reading and sitting in front of the computer trying to compensate for my immense boredom? Is that why?"
"Well - "
"Do you think I like being like that? Do you think I get a kick out of never being able to find anyting in my complete pigsty of a room? That I enjoy having no money, enjoy that I panic every day about whether I'll be able to afford food that week? That I don't feel the complete worthlessness of my life spent doing nothing? Is it no wonder that my dreams for a better future are the only things that enable me to actually get out of bed each day? God knows it's only hope and my imagination that keeps me functioning through the mundane horror of my life. It's not like I have anything else to live for."
"Your life could be much worse," I pointed out softly.
"I know that. I cold be living in a hole or with an interesting flesh-eating disease. My life could be absolutely horrendous. I'm happy - just not content."
"Then change."
"I try," I muttered.
"Then try harder. No one is ever going to just hand you everything you want on a gilded platter."

So. I'm going to try harder. Here is my list of resolutions:

1. Attempt to fold underwear.
2. Instead of sitting in front of my computer, convince my computer to sit in front of me. That could work.
3. Become muscular contortionist.
4. Get job making gilded platters.
5. Learn how to sit behind steering wheel without quaking in fear.
6. Speak severely to characters in story about their apparant lack of interest about being in aforementioned story.